Thursday, June 16, 2011

My American Life

For me life stateside was filled with all kinds of emotions and events, just like everyone else. However, unlike most people, I can easily describe these events and my reactions to them into two categories: the Base, and the Lesbian. However, the broad range of my emotions evelopes them together under the umbrella of human experience.

Let me start by saying that I don't like being known only for my sexuality. I hate it really. I've known too many people who have let their sexuality define who they are. For me it's a piece of what I am. I don't want it to consume me. But, there are two reasons why I focus on my sexuality in this blog; 1) I think it will be easier for the general reader to relate to me if I categorize everything, and 2) living in Korea is very difficult for me on some levels and this is my outlet. It satisfies an emotional purpose. Living in the West I would never draw so much attention to it.

But let's get back to it!

On the whole, life in America was mundane. In all my activities I was unchallenged. I had always been highly intelligent so I was never easily stimulated. Public school and university were terribly, horribly, mind numbing lumps of dullness for me that I was forced to participate in for some valuable piece of paper. I read voraciously, and if I'm honest I have never felt more myself than when I had a book in my hand and a few dozen at my disposal in close proximity.

Social situations were fun and enjoyable on the surface, but I could barely stand the shallowness of the people around me. None of them seemed interested in the outside world beyond the borders of our city, our state, or the country. They talked about the same boring ass shit everyday, who slept with who, who tricked out their Honda, who was acting crazy on the lastest drug, who had gotten fired from their deadend job for doing some kind of stupid shit, and needed to find another one fast before they got kicked out of their apartment. I wanted to scream!

When I lived in Tennessee briefly with my girlfriend (let's call her "Harriet"), I worked a deadend job at a local restaurant and lived in a shitty, tiny apartment off Middlebrook Pike. And Harriet made me fucking miserable, more miserable than I've ever been in my whole life. Her interests included partying, clubbing (which included making out with random girls...in front of me!!), spending money as soon as it grazed her fingers, and pouring verbal salt into all my open, emotional wounds. I could write a book about her...

I had a great friend of mine, one of the most intelligent people I've ever met (let's call him "Gabe"). Gabe was a man of refined tastes in knowledge, an expert in obscure authors and texts, and obsessed with research. A conversation with him was my drug, and we would talk for hours about the ethics of human social norms, philosophy, religion, politics, etc. Harriet would often be there for these conversations, during which she never spoke unless it was to make a joke inappropriate to the subject at hand. And she always had the same thing to say to me on the way home: "I don't like going to Gabe's house because you turn into a complete asshole. You don't talk about things I want to talk about. You talk about things I can't have an opinion on."  That's when it hit me. Not only did she not HAVE an opinion (which I could have dealt with), but she had already refused to form one.

These are the kind of people I'm talking about. And I met them everywhere I turned.

As for my sexuality, I spent most of my life trying to cure it. I had always known that I was attracted to girls. But, like most of us, I grew up thinking I was the only one and one of the reasons for that is I was unaware that society had a word for people like me. Had I known the word "lesbian" or "gay" I would have understood that there were people in the world like me and my early misery would have been null and void. It also didn't help that I grew up Mormon (more on that later). Though my family did break from the church I still struggled with deprogramming myself and trying to justify my sexuality with my newfound nondenominational Christianity. Living in the Bible beating South didn't really help much. I really didnt feel free until I embraced my atheism/agnosticism in my early 20's.

My parents remain Christian, my emotionally abusive mother becoming more and more of a Bible thumper day by day. I do not trust my parents, which is no secret among my few close friends. They betrayed me at my most vulnerable, and for that I cannot forgive them. To this day I'm the only homosexual I know who has had to come out twice to their parents. That's another story.

Though I'm only scratching the surface of the surface, I suppose any reader would understand how thoroughly unhappy I was in America. Living abroad has given me a new sense of self, incredible confidence, enhanced my adaptibility, and opened up endless possiblities for me on different levels. For now I'm content, but I don't mean to stay that way for long.


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Why Korea?

Ah, Korea! The Land of the Morning Calm, a tiny peninsula caught between the super giant China and the delicate cherry blossom of the sea, Japan. Korea, the mysterious country foreigners either hate or love, where the breezes are scented with garlic, dried fish, and spicy whiffs of kimchi.

Due to its close proximity to the more dominate China and Japan, Korea gets overlooked. Let's face it, if it hadn't been for the Korean War most foreigners wouldn't be able to find Korea on a map (Well, actually, most Americans still can't). It's really a shame because Korea has a lot to offer those interested in culture, exotic food (it's a chili head's heaven), learning a unique language, or just to have an eye opening world experience, Korea is a great place.

So how did I come to my decision to live in Korea? Why not China, or Japan, the even more desirable destination among those of my generation obsessed with Anime? Simple answer: I didn't know a damn thing about Korea. I wanted a country that I had no impression of, and Korea was it.

And I love it here! It didn't take me long to fall in love with the country. Even though you'll hear me point out some of Korea's less attractive features and views, please don't let that deter you from interest in the country. I really do love the people and culture, and can even handle the Confusian hiearchy system despite being the lowest on the totem pole.

Korea is the ultimate underdog country, and the loyality of Koreans to their country is incredibly strong. Any little victory by a Korean on the international stage is a source of intense national pride. A good example is J.S. Park, the Korean striker for Manchester United. Not only will you see his face everywhere around Korea but you'll also see men and women sporting Manchester United apparel and everyone's a fan. Being a Bayern Munich fan myself, I love to engage in football related debates with my male students.

Korea is a country that likes to get things done quick, fast, and in a hurry. The national motto should be: "Whatever you're working on now was due yesterday at 6am. Hurry the fuck up!"  You can see it on the streets among the people as everyone runs to catch the metro, the bus, or get a taxi. The words "빨리, 발리!" (hurry, hurry!!) will be heard several times a day from people of all ages. The tough old women called "아줌마" (ah-jum-ma) will push and elbow you out of the way with such force as to make you stumble back just so they can get the last seat on the bus, and then wonder why you're taking so long to get on the bus as you recover from shock and the bruise on your ribs. Don't you know that you're making everyone else late? 빨리, 빨리!!!

The "hurry hurry" mentality, plus the small size of the country supporting a large population, make standing in line physicially and mentally uncomfortable. How many times have my breasts been unwittingly pressed against the back of the middle aged man in front of me, who glances back to see what's sticking him and then smiles pervertly as he leans back a little for a better feel. Or having an Ahjumma looking over my shoulder in an obvious manner to see what the strange foreigner has in her basket. At Dunkin Donuts there is aways a tray jabbing your back.

But I will say this for Korea, you never wait in line long. Thank you, 빨리, 빨리!

In my time here I've adopted new behaviors and tastes. Kimchi is a favorite food and cravings for rice have made it one of my staples. I remember to fold my arms in front of my chest while standing in line. And I know how to step out of the Ahjumma's way while getting on the bus.

Having an open mind makes what was once an annoyance a funny anecdote at the end of the day.

Quick Overview of Current Living Conditions

Of course, it ain't easy. This isn't the decadent West where you can tell if people will shrug or beat your head in with a Bible (since I'm from the American South I've experenced a LOT of the latter). At least in the West I know how to act; I know where I stand with most people; I know that living out is an option that I frequently indulge in.

There is no option here.

I came very close to ruining my career here in the ROK (Republic of Korea) my first week in during a welcoming dinner at my hakwon. While sitting in the back of the school van with the Korean teachers, my Korean boss and his wife asked if I had a boyfriend. I answered immediately in the negatory category. When asked why by the surprised populace of the vehicle I smiled and opened my mouth. I knew what I wanted to say. It was poised on my tongue, softly vibrating in my throat. The hope I had of being accepted in a notoriously anti gay country welled up within me.

But my rationale, thankfully, suddenly kicked into overdrive and I made up some bullshit story about an exboyfriend. You know, the standard lesbian bullshit that all of us learn by heart."Yeah, he and I broke up just before I came here. I'm ok. He was a jerk anyway. So where are we going for dinner?"

I hate doing this. I feel dirty every time I lie about my relationships, past or present. I hate having to endure the bombardment of offers to set me up on a blind date. "Oh, he's a very nice Korean guy. He likes the western!" <--- (That's not a mistake, that's Konglish. But we'll get to that later). As close as I get to my Korean coworkers and my abundance of Korean friends, this is the one thing that makes me hurt, angry and resentful. They constantly ask me when I plan on having a boyfriend, getting married, or having children. I smile, shrug it off, and change the subject as best I can, but Korean women for the most part are obsessed with getting a boyfriend. And guess what their favorite subject of conversation is? Yeah, I know I'm screwed.

The first six months here were brutal. My boss at the hakwon revealed himself quickly to be a fucking dickhead. He made snide comments on my clothing style, my weight, my "not looking American enough" (where he got this from I don't know. Apparently sandy reddish brown hair and blue eyes don't make the cut!), and always asking why I never had a boyfriend. He went on and on and on about how I need to get married as soon as possible and that I would never get a man looking the way I do. I needed to grow my hair out, wear skin-tight pants and shirts, and mini skirts.

I wanted to hit him, scream at him that this was me in every sense, not just my sexual orientation. My personality fit into loose jeans, t-shirts, and sneakers. My mind felt peaceful with a boyish, yet feminine, short hair style. And I couldn't care less about attracting men! After years of living out of the closet, wrestling my way back in was a nightmare. I had to rehone my practiced romantic senarios, make up fake blind dates to satisfy my increasing number of Korean friends, force my natural instinct to check out beautiful women out of my body language (and here in the ROK, there be hotties every block). Every day there were countless little things I had to keep in check.

Some people would say, "Well, you brought this on yourself. You knew going in what kind of country it was!".  True, I did. But should I stay back in the States where I was miserable to the point of mental and emotional decrepitude? Hell no! I wanted out. I wanted the world. And I'm paying the price. But I think I have the right to talk about my experience, my thoughts, etc. 


And then I met M.


My Korean goddess, the one who keeps me sane! She was the first and only Korean I told about my leanings. Turns out she had latent homosexual feelings too. And guess who they exploded upon! We've been together for 2 1/2 years now and it's been a helluva ride so far, filled with culture differences, fights, love, secret sleepovers, and all the rest.

So, now that you're caught up, let's get to the details.