Of course, it ain't easy. This isn't the decadent West where you can tell if people will shrug or beat your head in with a Bible (since I'm from the American South I've experenced a LOT of the latter). At least in the West I know how to act; I know where I stand with most people; I know that living out is an option that I frequently indulge in.
There is no option here.
I came very close to ruining my career here in the ROK (Republic of Korea) my first week in during a welcoming dinner at my hakwon. While sitting in the back of the school van with the Korean teachers, my Korean boss and his wife asked if I had a boyfriend. I answered immediately in the negatory category. When asked why by the surprised populace of the vehicle I smiled and opened my mouth. I knew what I wanted to say. It was poised on my tongue, softly vibrating in my throat. The hope I had of being accepted in a notoriously anti gay country welled up within me.
But my rationale, thankfully, suddenly kicked into overdrive and I made up some bullshit story about an exboyfriend. You know, the standard lesbian bullshit that all of us learn by heart."Yeah, he and I broke up just before I came here. I'm ok. He was a jerk anyway. So where are we going for dinner?"
I hate doing this. I feel dirty every time I lie about my relationships, past or present. I hate having to endure the bombardment of offers to set me up on a blind date. "Oh, he's a very nice Korean guy. He likes the western!" <--- (That's not a mistake, that's Konglish. But we'll get to that later). As close as I get to my Korean coworkers and my abundance of Korean friends, this is the one thing that makes me hurt, angry and resentful. They constantly ask me when I plan on having a boyfriend, getting married, or having children. I smile, shrug it off, and change the subject as best I can, but Korean women for the most part are obsessed with getting a boyfriend. And guess what their favorite subject of conversation is? Yeah, I know I'm screwed.
The first six months here were brutal. My boss at the hakwon revealed himself quickly to be a fucking dickhead. He made snide comments on my clothing style, my weight, my "not looking American enough" (where he got this from I don't know. Apparently sandy reddish brown hair and blue eyes don't make the cut!), and always asking why I never had a boyfriend. He went on and on and on about how I need to get married as soon as possible and that I would never get a man looking the way I do. I needed to grow my hair out, wear skin-tight pants and shirts, and mini skirts.
I wanted to hit him, scream at him that this was me in every sense, not just my sexual orientation. My personality fit into loose jeans, t-shirts, and sneakers. My mind felt peaceful with a boyish, yet feminine, short hair style. And I couldn't care less about attracting men! After years of living out of the closet, wrestling my way back in was a nightmare. I had to rehone my practiced romantic senarios, make up fake blind dates to satisfy my increasing number of Korean friends, force my natural instinct to check out beautiful women out of my body language (and here in the ROK, there be hotties every block). Every day there were countless little things I had to keep in check.
Some people would say, "Well, you brought this on yourself. You knew going in what kind of country it was!". True, I did. But should I stay back in the States where I was miserable to the point of mental and emotional decrepitude? Hell no! I wanted out. I wanted the world. And I'm paying the price. But I think I have the right to talk about my experience, my thoughts, etc.
And then I met M.
My Korean goddess, the one who keeps me sane! She was the first and only Korean I told about my leanings. Turns out she had latent homosexual feelings too. And guess who they exploded upon! We've been together for 2 1/2 years now and it's been a helluva ride so far, filled with culture differences, fights, love, secret sleepovers, and all the rest.
So, now that you're caught up, let's get to the details.
There is no option here.
I came very close to ruining my career here in the ROK (Republic of Korea) my first week in during a welcoming dinner at my hakwon. While sitting in the back of the school van with the Korean teachers, my Korean boss and his wife asked if I had a boyfriend. I answered immediately in the negatory category. When asked why by the surprised populace of the vehicle I smiled and opened my mouth. I knew what I wanted to say. It was poised on my tongue, softly vibrating in my throat. The hope I had of being accepted in a notoriously anti gay country welled up within me.
But my rationale, thankfully, suddenly kicked into overdrive and I made up some bullshit story about an exboyfriend. You know, the standard lesbian bullshit that all of us learn by heart."Yeah, he and I broke up just before I came here. I'm ok. He was a jerk anyway. So where are we going for dinner?"
I hate doing this. I feel dirty every time I lie about my relationships, past or present. I hate having to endure the bombardment of offers to set me up on a blind date. "Oh, he's a very nice Korean guy. He likes the western!" <--- (That's not a mistake, that's Konglish. But we'll get to that later). As close as I get to my Korean coworkers and my abundance of Korean friends, this is the one thing that makes me hurt, angry and resentful. They constantly ask me when I plan on having a boyfriend, getting married, or having children. I smile, shrug it off, and change the subject as best I can, but Korean women for the most part are obsessed with getting a boyfriend. And guess what their favorite subject of conversation is? Yeah, I know I'm screwed.
The first six months here were brutal. My boss at the hakwon revealed himself quickly to be a fucking dickhead. He made snide comments on my clothing style, my weight, my "not looking American enough" (where he got this from I don't know. Apparently sandy reddish brown hair and blue eyes don't make the cut!), and always asking why I never had a boyfriend. He went on and on and on about how I need to get married as soon as possible and that I would never get a man looking the way I do. I needed to grow my hair out, wear skin-tight pants and shirts, and mini skirts.
I wanted to hit him, scream at him that this was me in every sense, not just my sexual orientation. My personality fit into loose jeans, t-shirts, and sneakers. My mind felt peaceful with a boyish, yet feminine, short hair style. And I couldn't care less about attracting men! After years of living out of the closet, wrestling my way back in was a nightmare. I had to rehone my practiced romantic senarios, make up fake blind dates to satisfy my increasing number of Korean friends, force my natural instinct to check out beautiful women out of my body language (and here in the ROK, there be hotties every block). Every day there were countless little things I had to keep in check.
Some people would say, "Well, you brought this on yourself. You knew going in what kind of country it was!". True, I did. But should I stay back in the States where I was miserable to the point of mental and emotional decrepitude? Hell no! I wanted out. I wanted the world. And I'm paying the price. But I think I have the right to talk about my experience, my thoughts, etc.
And then I met M.
My Korean goddess, the one who keeps me sane! She was the first and only Korean I told about my leanings. Turns out she had latent homosexual feelings too. And guess who they exploded upon! We've been together for 2 1/2 years now and it's been a helluva ride so far, filled with culture differences, fights, love, secret sleepovers, and all the rest.
So, now that you're caught up, let's get to the details.
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